Reinvention Is Not Rebellion

Between my 39th year on this planet and my 40th, my entire world changed.  At 39, from the outside looking in, I bet my life looked fucking amazing, idealic even.  Growing up Mormon, there was really one path to follow & up until that point that was almost exactly what I did.  Marry my best friend at 18, have kids in my 20’s, serve in the church diligently, & essentially never dare to question anything or stray from the path laid out before me.  I knew what type of person I should marry, where to live, what to wear, what to eat, how to think, you get the picture.  If something came up that rubbed me the wrong way about the teachings, I just did what most of us did, I shoved it deep, deep, down.  My life felt safe, if not sometimes uncomfortable, and I knew that if I stayed on this path I would find abundant acceptance.  It was the path of least resistance on the outside, but on the inside, things were smouldering.  And the slightest spark could set everything blazing.  

I was lonely in my marriage.  I was tired.  The years of questioning things but covering it up with people pleasing had taken its toll.  I tried to be obedient, I tried to teach it to my children, I tried to do all the things that were asked of me.  But I still felt empty.  I felt like I was constantly gaslighting myself and there was a huge disconnect between my body, mind, and soul.  My truth, my intuition, my beliefs about self worth just fell way out of alignment with the teachings of the church.  And then my husband of 20 years told me that he was gay.  It was the spark that ignited the flames and I knew that nothing would ever be the same.  Not my marriage, not my beliefs, not my inner being.  And I was right.  

The shift came slowly though.  Smoke signals, puffs of heat, an opening.  It wasn’t a scream, but a whisper and I finally had the clarity to hear it.  The answer was:  Not this.  Not this way.  Not this life.  Not by someone else’s rules.  You’ve tried that and it never worked for you.  Your current life can no longer hold your expansiveness, your voice can no longer be stifled, and you can no longer make yourself small enough to fit here. 

When everything was stripped away and I felt safe to step back from my conditioning, I became brave enough to question and to educate myself.  Through this process of quiet examination I became more thoughtful & intentional about what I would allow into my life and what I would release.  I filtered through belief systems, choices, preferences, thoughts and feelings trying to understand them through a more clear, fresher, nonhabitual lens.  I had to take a hard look at things that tethered me to places that I didn;t want to be anymore and figure out how to burn them.  Likewise, I learned to anchor and steep into the things that lit me up and opened my heart.  The process was years in the making and still effervescent and evolving today.  It was slow and processional.  A connection, a calling, a whisper of soul, breaking open a metamorphosis, a rebirth, a reinvention.  

To some people who watched me change I am sure that they viewed my reinvention as rebellion.  I am sure that it was painful for them to watch.  I wish that they could understand that the unraveling was actually an unveiling.  And from those unraveled threads I was able to weave something so auspiciously beautiful.  To me, it was not a rebellion but a remembering.

I remembered that my body is not something to override but to trust.  I remembered that intuition is intelligence.  I remembered that worth is not earned by obedience or productivity.  It’s inherent.

And I know that I am not alone in this experience.  You may feel this expansiveness, this need for rebirth pulling at your soul.  It may have nothing to do with divorce or leaving religion or people pleasing.  Many women in midlife feel a similar sense of longing and a feeling of emptiness – that life is not what it should have been.  They feel unfulfilled, lives unresolved, true selves unseen.

And I don’t have all the answers.  But I know that our experiences, our hardships, & our truths are medicine.  Sometimes these things are the catalyst that we need to rediscover our own courage and to shift, to embark down the path that we choose, not the one we are conditioned to follow.

A few things that helped me and made all the difference were yoga, mindfulness practices, breathwork & thoughtwork.

Yoga taught me that my body was my home – a safe place to take up space – something that belonged to me and to no one else, a place to be empowered and in control or enveloped in surrender.  

Mindfulness practices like grounded awareness and meditation taught me to be present, feel real, live in the reality of my life as it is now, not a future unknown or a haunting past.

Breathwork taught me to be still and listen – to trust my intuition and inner knowing.  

Thoughtwork taught me to use my mind as a tool for authenticity by understanding my beliefs, and my conditioning and choosing intentional direction instead of old habituation.

Now I guide other women, especially those in midlife, or those navigating life post religion, through reinvention…..through this intentional remembering.

This work is for women who are ready to embrace the shift that leads to reinvention and remembering.  To let go, to surrender, to burn things down…..who are ready to pause, listen, and choose themselves maybe for the first time.  For those willing to be brave enough to step into clarity and creation.  

I believe that midlife is not a crisis.  It’s an opening, an invitation, an initiation.  You already have the formula inside of you.  Your story holds medicine.  This work is about holding on to those things that move you & grow you while releasing the things that won’t move you forward down your unique path.  More so, it’s about reconnection with your body, your mind, and your soul to intentionally create a life that is truly yours.